Pakistani Undergrads in US/UK. =P

The inspiration for this article is an observation by someone on some website regarding the large number of undergraduates in the US/UK from Pakistan. This is one more manifestation of a poor country with rich people. What follows is a description of some of these undergraduates grouped by some common characteristics. Please note that I have limited myself to undergraduates only. The graduates, post-docs and other “professional” students will be dealt with at some other time.

1) Kids with parents settled in the gulf or Saudi Arabia:

These kids form the largest contingent amongst the undergraduates of Pakistani origin. Generally more docile and amiable than their true-blooded homegrown cousins, they are one notch below the ABCDs/BBCD's in terms of being confused. They rarely have strong opinions on any subject and they are able to adapt themselves to their surroundings very quickly. Most of them go to middle-tier schools with solid engineering programs that allow them to find jobs after graduation very quickly. Some of them opt to go back to their adopted homelands. Many get married to ABCDs/BBCD's since they have a vast connection of cousins and aunts spread all over the two coasts. While in school they are not really interested in getting laid (its a mystery) and therefore are able to graduate in time. Don’t expect them to be stimulating conversationalists or intellectually too gifted. They do make very good friends though.

2) Kids with parents in the middle-ranking bureaucratic or political cadres:

In 9 out of 10 cases the parents are corrupt and therefore able to afford the twenty grand or so every year that little Johny needs in order to get the label of “foreign qualified”. These kids usually end up in one of the many state colleges in the northeast, midwest or west coast mainly because an aunt or uncle lives nearby. This breed is frequently very nationalistic with flags of Pakistan and giant pictures of Imran Khan pasted next to Van Halen on their bedroom walls. They are always in search of that elusive double or triple major that would land them in the big leagues at the graduate level. By the time they realize that a double major in Economics and Math and minors in Philosophy and History from Chico State equals a diploma in wine-tasting from Harvard or Cambridge or Oxford, its already too late. They frequently return to Pakistan where Papa sets them up with a packaging plant in Kot Lakhpat and mama takes care of their bursting libido with an 18-year old from an equally corrupt family. The source of their angst lies in their general inability to get laid. To achieve this glorious end they first try and become very active in the local chapter of the Pakistan Student Association. Disappointed (rebuffed?) they move on to the Indian Student Association. Everyone knows them but alas no one sleeps with them. They deal with their frustration by becoming the most ardent and religious Pakistanis. Books by Wolpert or Ali Sharaiti are strewn all over the floor in their apartments (along with cases of empty cans of Budweiser from last night). This class of kids should be avoided at all costs because they, unfortunately fulfill the description of “If they could, they’d sell their mother” uttered by some sage in the US/UK.

3) Kids with parents in the high-ranking bureaucratic or military cadres:

These kids are the most rabid Pakistanis you will find anywhere. Beneficiaries of the state largesse at the grandest scale, they have every reason to uphold the decaying heap of trash that their parents have helped create. Some of them do make it to the elite schools while others toil in little college towns of the midwest. This is the class that can afford to let their kids buy Ferraris that they park outside their dorms at BU,London or Florida State. Some of them do excel in their chosen field of study and are then picked up by the corporate mandarins of Citibank or ABN Amro and then placed back home to use Papa’s connections. Life is literally a breeze for these children of privilege. They get laid almost every night (ok every other night) with partners of varied backgrounds. They end up marrying within the clan though. Sometimes they don’t go back home for years making their way up the corporate ladder. Its when their daughters start talking about Jenny and Margaret (and Rachna!!) and their cute boyfriends that things start getting interesting.

4) Kids with feudal, industrial or political backgrounds:

The bright ones are almost always at the ivy-leagues while the rest party away at the University of Miami/Cardiff University/University of York(yorkshire),UK. Generally low-key they know that the destiny of the country lies in their hands and they prepare accordingly taking courses like “Horse breeding for beginners” or “Bloody revolutions: A Faustian analysis” in their sophomore year. While their more plebeian classmates toil away doing summer-internships at Mckinsey or Goldman Sachs, they are busy learning the nuances of Shakespearean dialogue in the leafy confines of Princeton.Oxford or Ann Arbor. They are beginning to demand their pound of flesh earlier and earlier. The progeny of one of the biggest feudal families master-minded a power-generation scam with the aid of a World Bank bigwig while still a junior at Harvard. Another one now serves as a minister in the federal cabinet. The gentleman’s claim to fame (besides the nobility of his birth) is his good looks and his numerous affairs with models on both sides of the South Asian divide. Viva Pakistan!!

5) Kids from impoverished aristocracy:

This is a very interesting group because in most cases they are extremely bright but deeply melancholy. Pakistani in name only, the job of improving the family finances has been placed squarely on their inadequate shoulders. Englishmen with brown skins (or pale-white skins since grandpa married grandma Rosy while at Cambridge) they have to finish their pre-law or Economics degree with flying colors in order to enter the exalted halls of Lincoln’s Inn or Merton college Oxford. They are like the sacrificial lambs who’ll be married off into one of the nouveau rich families of Chiniotis or Arains in order to revive the family fortunes. One sometimes feels sorry for these guys because of the quixotic expectations of their families and their strange acquiescence to their demands.

6) Kids from middle-class backgrounds.

These come in various varieties. The usual variety does his FSc/Bsc from some college back home, takes one semester’s worth of money from his parents, forges letters detailing the family finances in order to get a US visa and ends up in New Mexico state or in Manchester,Birmingham or Bradford. These kids are very enterprising. The deliver pizza everyday, staff the college library and take 20 credit hours every semester. Some of them burn out and take a year or two off working full time at Red Lobster. Others are always in the process of transferring from one school and one major to the other. It usually takes them 6-7 years to finish up school. They are generally easy-going and predictable. They have a large circle of friends of various ethnicities and they are more than likely than any other group to marry non-Pakistanis. In most cases they are not that ambitious and are therefore resigned to a life of middle-class existence.

The shining stars of this group come from schools like Aitchison(but im different =P) and Karachi Grammar school. Different from most of the population in these elite institutions, they are the ones you hear about getting perfect scores on their SATs and achievements. They are the ones you will find arguing about Sartre’s dilemma or Camus’s unfinished novel in the local coffee-house till 2 in the morning right before the exam on DFTs and Shannon’s theorem. No surprise that the only perfect score on that exam happens to be theirs. They frequently grow shoulder length hair and sport goatees as a mark of individuality (or neurosis). The adventurous ones have been known to get tattoos or piercings in unmentionable places. They have an affinity with their Indian counterparts in that they are generally allergic to taking showers. Despite all these maddening attributes (at least to more normal folks) they invariably have beautiful women as girlfriends. Mostly blonde, soft-spoken English majors from places like Greenwich or Bloomfield Hills, they dote on their exotic boyfriends like manna from heaven. These associations don’t last for too long since mama suddenly appears on the scene with pictures of the most nubile ladies from Kinnaird or St. Joseph to set our budding Einstein straight (in more ways than one!!). The surprising thing though is that these kids seldom fulfill their promise in the real world. Instead of founding companies or going back home to set up sweatshops like Wipro or Satyam they toil away in relative obscurity at Cisco, HP or Merrill Lynch. Maybe given a little more time things will change.

7) Women undergrads from Pakistan:

They are for lack of a better word an entertaining species with various sub-species. There is your bohemian brat from Lahore Grammar school to your catty all-black attired Madonna from Convent of Jesus and Mary. Their most enduring trait is their abhorrence of Pakistani men (somewhat understandable). If good looking, they’ll have a pack of admirers of various nationalities hanging on to every pearl of wisdom that emanates from their exquisite lips. If ugly, same thing except that the attitude is twice as revolting.

This species is usually found in the liberal art colleges of the northeast and the midwest. Colleges that have decided in their infinite wisdom that they can change Islamic Republic of Pakistan by giving generous scholarships to the downtrodden women of that crazy country. A horde of these women have returned to Pakistan having figured out that their lives are not meant to be slaved away in some corporate behemoth in the US of A or U of K. They are meant to be pampered by the servants and knights in shining armor (substitute rich) of good ole’ Pakland. NGOs and various English publications are the most common haunts of this species. May God give peace to those taken prisoner. Amen!!

This is a lengthy subject and instead of incriminating myself unduly I shall cease and desist from elaborating the viles of this cunning creature any further. My advice usually falls on deaf ears anyway.

8) ABCD/BBCD kids:

This group confused as it is has achieved some remarkable things. They’d probably be even better off if they went back to Pakistan and saw the romantic notions they have of a fairy land destroyed by their own experiences. Its extremely rare to find an atypical specimen of this variety. This homogeneity is a testament to the diabolical child-rearing skills of the Pakistani expatriates.

9) Others:

Please enumerate them in the replies section.


Posted By: tataman. :P